As The Late Show with Stephen Colbert heads toward its May finale, staff writer Eliana Kwartler used what may be her final on-air appearance to make a very public pitch—to future employers.
Appearing in her recurring role as the show’s “Certified Young Person,” Kwartler ostensibly joined Colbert Wednesday night to discuss Gen Z dating trends before the segment gradually revealed itself to be something else: a résumé.
The bit began in familiar territory, with Colbert citing survey data showing young people are burned out on dating apps and embracing in-person meet-cutes, wine tastings, and even PowerPoint-assisted matchmaking events known as “Pitch and Pair.”
That last trend gave Kwartler her opening.
When Colbert asked whether she’d ever let a friend create a PowerPoint pitching her as a romantic prospect, Kwartler declined—on the grounds that it would be “much more effective for me to do it myself next to my famous boss on national television.”
She then handed Colbert a clicker.
The presentation—titled “Reasons You’ll Love Eliana Kwartler”—quickly drifted from a dating profile into unmistakably professional territory. She described herself as “kind,” “smart,” and “professional,” with hobbies including “being a team player and always showing up on time and prepared for meetings.”
When one slide praised her sense of humor “specifically in a way that would be an asset to any writers’ room,” Colbert called it out.
“Eliana, this is just you trying to get a job.”
Kwartler didn’t argue. “The hot new dating trend for young people,” she said, “is everyone in the world knowing they’re losing their job in May and getting texts from their parents saying, ‘We just had dinner with the Goldsteins. They asked what you’re doing next.’”
The moment worked because it blended satire with candor. As the end date approaches, the uncertainty facing The Late Show‘s writers and crew is no longer subtext—it’s material.
Seriously, though: Kwartler is a (professional) catch. An Emmy, WGA, and Peabody Award-winner, she’s been with The Late Show since 2019. Prior to that, she was a writer/performer on the Colbert-produced Showtime series Our Cartoon President.
Watch Kwartler’s full pitch at the top of this post.
your pitch was fabulous