Missed Wednesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Adios, Subtext
It’s become satirical shorthand to refer to someone with nutty ideas as having “brain worms.” This being the American presidential campaign of the year 2024, news emerged this week that third-party candidate and noted anti-vaxxer conspiracy kook Robert F. Kennedy Jr actually had part of his brain devoured by a now-deceased worm. So comedy is likewise dead, obviously. But that didn’t keep late-night hosts from digging into the story about Kennedy’s documented bout with what’s theorized to be neurocysticercosis, a parasitic condition caused by pork tapeworms and characterized by everything from seizures to memory loss.
Now nobody is saying outright that there’s a worm-related brain-hole driving the longtime proponent of such conspiracy nonsense as vaccines causing autism, Covid-19 being engineered by scientists, the virus not targeting Jews or Chinese people, or any of the many, many other nutjob theories he espouses. Or, as Stephen Colbert posited in Kennedy’s voice, “I, human person RFK Jr, have never felt better and am not controlled Ratatouille-style by a worm who lives in my skull. Cross my five hearts, hope to die on a sidewalk after a rainstorm. Oh, no—a Robin!”
“It’s so wild that we’ve all been joking about how RFK Jr has brain worms and then he actually has brain worms. It’s like if the weird kid in class came back with a note from the doctor saying, ‘Actually Kyle does have Stage 2 turd face.'”
jordan klepper
“The New York Times published a report on independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s health issues, including a dead worm in his brain. Or, as that’s known in Libertarian circles, a running mate.”
seth meyers
“This explains everything. And nothing.”
stephen colbert
“Instead of using dewormer, he injected himself with Covid vaccine.”
jimmy fallon
“You know what’s really suspicious though? Before it died, that worm was vaccinated.”
stephen colbert
“What!? I don’t know what’s worse that RFK had a worm that was eating his brain, or that his brain is so poisoned it killed the worm.”
jordan klepper
“Cause of death, starvation.”
stephen colbert
“RFK Jr went to a doctor because he was experiencing some cognitive symptoms like memory loss and fogginess. As well as a tiny voice in his head going, ‘Let’s see, what wine pairs best with cerebellum?'”
stephen colbert
“The inside of his head is basically the movie Dune.”
jimmy kimmel
“I the deposition, RFK Jr revealed, ‘I have short-term memory loss, and I have longer-term memory loss,’ adding, ‘and I also have short-term memory loss.'”
stephen colbert
“Now, the Kennedy campaign is dismissing the notion that the dead worm in their candidate’s brain could cause any cognitive problems. But the story actually came out because the New York Times found a 2012 deposition from Kennedy’s divorce in which he argued that his earning power had diminished because, ‘I have cognitive problems, clearly.’ So I guess his argument now is, ‘No, no, the worm didn’t eat the president part of my brain, just that part that has to give my ex-wife money.'”
jordan klepper
“Classic divorce court argument. ‘Your Honor, my client is entitled to alimony.’ ‘C’mon Brenda, be reasonable, you know a worm ate my brain!'”
stephen colbert
[On the suggestion that Kennedy’s cognitive issues were caused by fish-related mercury poisoning instead] “I mean, no wonder why RFK cares so much about climate change. He’s legally a thermometer.”
jordan klepper
“Well of course, those fish were just jumping in his mouth trying to get the worm.”
stephen colbert
Beating a Dead Dog at This Point
South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem. You know what’s coming by now, as even such MAGA-friendly outlets as Newsmax, Fox News, and others have taken to grilling the former Republican Vice Presidential frontrunner about everything from her self-incriminating puppy-cide to her easily debunked claim to have stood up to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un in a meeting that never happened.
“You might remember her as the leading Trump VP contender who, in her book, with her name on it, volunteered the information that she once killed a puppy. Out of nowhere, no one forced it out of her, she sat down at the old Remington and thought, ‘What’s a good yarn for my new book? Something that lets everyone learn what makes Kristi tick? Oh, right! [Typing] Blew dog’s brains out.'”
seth meyers
[After noting that Noem’s book was knocked out of Amazon’s top 100 best sellers by, among others, a children’s book called, Puppy Birthday to You] “Score one for the canines.”
jimmy kimmel
“I will say, the last few years I have been wondering how far is too far for the right-wing MAGA crowd. And now we know. It’s shooting your dog in a gravel pit. That is not acceptable—until Trump does it. Then every Republican has to shoot their dog just to stay in the party.”
jordan klepper
“I’ll admit that my knowledge about farm life begins and ends with with the song about Old MacDonald. But as far as I can remember there wasn’t a verse that ended with, ‘A bang-bang here and a bang-bang there.'”
seth meyers
“So kudos right-wing media for putting your foot down against killing dogs. You can hold your head up high and go back to your regularly scheduled segment, ‘Why don’t we toss the migrant kids into the Grand Canyon?'”
jordan klepper
“She’s digging the hole so deep she could bury a dog in it.”
seth meyers
[After a clip of Noem testily refusing to answer an anchor’s North Korea questions] “For God’s sake can we talk about something else? I shot a dog once, did you hear about that?”
jordan klepper
“Yeah, she needs more bad press like she needs a hole in her dog.”
seth meyers
Stormy Cleanup
While Donald Trump’s criminal trial had Wednesday off, that only gave hosts a breather to address some more of the fallout from Tuesday’s explosive and embarrassing testimony from one-night Trump sexual partner and adult film actress Stormy Daniels, who takes the stand again on Thursday.
“Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to hear about Donald Trump’s weird penis. But also I kind of want him to have to hear it.”
seth meyers
“They were off today so the baliff could refill the courtroom’s Febreze supply.”
Stephen colbert
[On Trump being reprimanded for swearing under his breath during Daniels’ testimony] “It’s not great when the court transcript has worse language than the roast of Tom Brady.”
jimmy fallon
“Someone reading a description of your weird penis in court sounds like a dream you’d have after eating a Hot Pocket you found on the train.”
seth meyers
[On the fact that one of Trump’s lawyers is named Susan Necheles] “Are we sure thats her name and not just how Trump describes her? ‘Okay Todd Glasses does the opening statement, Susan Necklace does the cross, Johnny Bowtie here brings me my Big Mac, and, uh oh, Big Judge Black Mumuu is mad at me again.'”
stephen colbert
“Look, if you don’t want an adult film star testifying in a trial of a former President, don’t vote for a President who slept with an adult film star. And you might say, ‘I didn’t know he slept with an adult film star before I voted for him.’ And the reason you didn’t is because he paid her off so she wouldn’t tell anyone, and that’s why she’s in court, and that’s the reason. The fact that he’s also humiliated and embarrassed is what’s called, the legal term, a bonus.”
seth meyers
Nikki Haley: Hoosier Daddy?
Despite the fact that former republican challenger Nikki Haley dropped out of the 2024 presidential race in March, GOP primaries keep showing that a whole lot of Republican voters just can’t pull the lever on a twice-impeached, criminally indicted insurrectionist found liable for sexual assault and currently being humiliated in court for his coverup of an affair with a porn star. At least that’s the takeaway from Tuesday’s Indians primary, where Trump lost nearly 22 percent of the electorate (some 130,000 votes) to a woman presumably sitting at home on election night. It’s a worrying trend for Trump, and a pretty gleeful one for comedians.
“Wow. That’s gotta sting for Trump. That’s like a boss telling you, ‘Sorry we’re passing you over for the promotion and giving it to Mark, may he rest in peace.'”
stephen colbert
“Nikki Haley disappeared at the beginning of March and she still took home over 20 percent of the vote. Which means that either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128 thousand times.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Paul Ryan announcing that he, too, can’t bring himself to vote for Trump] “Former House Speaker Paul Ryan said in a new interview that he will not vote for former President Trump and will instead write in a better candidate, like that dead worm in Robert Kennedy Jr’s brain.”
Potpourri
“I’m so happy France has the Olympics because, honestly, we owed them after Burger King made the Croissandwich.”
jimmy fallon
[On New York Governor Kathy Hochul’s apology after claiming that Black kids in the Bronx have never heard the word “computer”] “Evidently Kathy Hochul thinks the Best Buys in the Bronx have a section labeled ‘WHAAAAA?'”
stephen colbert
“Norwegian Cruise Lines recently announced it’s partnering with a specialty travel company next year to host an 11-day nude cruise for 2,300 passengers, including up to two women.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s latest, NFT-based fundraiser] “To get an invite, you had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs at 99 bucks a pop. I tell you, I would hate to be his assistant this morning. ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 for pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, okay?'”
jimmy kimmel
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