Missed Tuesday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Warning: You Can’t Unhear This
Remember when Donald Trump, at the height of the pandemic, urged his health advisors to explore the effectiveness of introducing household disinfectants directly into Americans’ bloodstreams? Well, the details of Tuesday’s proceedings in Trump’s ongoing trial over his alleged criminal efforts to conceal damaging personal scandals through hush money payments had many of those same Americans contemplating a similarly ill-advised brain-based bleach treatment.
That’s because Stephanie Clifford, best known as Stormy Daniels in her successful adult film career, testified today about the details of her one night with the married future presidential candidate in a golf tournament hotel room while his wife Melania was home recovering from the birth of the couple’s only child. Details you can now never not know include: Trump creepily summoning Daniels (though his bodyguards) to his hotel room for a nonexistent dinner; Trump emerging in Hugh Hefner-style silk jammies; Trump complimenting Daniels by comparing her to his daughter Ivanka; Trump assuring Daniels that he and his future First Lady sleep in separate bedrooms; Trump tenderly offering up his backside for rolled-magazine butt stuff; Trump negging Daniels by offering her a role on The Apprentice to lift her “out of the trailer park;” and a lot more to keep mainstream news anchors reaching for their naughty thesauruses.
This is the testimony Donald Trump really, really didn’t want anyone to hear, especially not while the criminal defendant was forced to sit under court-imposed gag order as a deeply unimpressed onetime sex partner testified—under oath—about both the self-proclaimed alpha male’s laughable bedroom prowess and his subsequent, even sweatier efforts to hush up the fleeting adultery from the electorate. Comparing the inevitable avalanche of jokes about the fuming Trump to another current day public laughingstock, The Daily Show‘s Jordan Klepper noted, “These revelations are so uncomfortably personal, even Drake is like, ‘Ooh, sucks to be that guy.'”
“It was an historic day in the annals of American law, because today Stormy Daniels did what she does best, and that’s spank Donald Trump.”
stephen colbert
“Adult film star Stormy Daniels testified today in President Trump’s hush money trial. So Trump technically slept with her again.”
Seth meyers
“Oh come on, Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, acting like you’re too good for this. Like you’ve never seen genitalia before, all right? You’re very prudish for people whose names sound like porn names.”
jordan klepper
[On Trump complaining in a since-deleted social media post that his team was taken by surprise by Daniels’ appearance] “Did you say ‘no time to prepare?’ It did not occur to you or your lawyers that the Stormy Daniels hush money trial might involve an appearance by Stormy Daniels? That’s like a cook at Burger King saying, ‘Oh my God, someone ordered a Whopper!'”
stephen colbert
“One of the prosecutors told Judge Juan Merchan that Daniels would not describe Trump’s genitalia. Because it would violate the gag order.”
seth meyers
“You see, and that’s when I need to object. Some of us are trying to host a show here.”
jimmy kimmel
“[It’s] when Trump and Stormy became the celebrity couple, Stumpy. Wait, I’m sorry, I forgot, we’re not supposed to describe his genitalia.”
stephen colbert
“And then, when dinner ended, Stormy went into the bathroom in Trump’s suite and saw a ‘leathery looking toiletry bag.’ Nope, again, we’re not supposed to describe Trump’s genitalia.”
stephen colbert
‘Trump also paid Stormy the ultimate compliment, telling her, ‘You remind me of my daughter.’ [Extended attempt to choke back vomit.]
stephen colbert
“Feels like we should lock him up just for that, right?”
jimmy kimmel
“Remember, the court worked hard to find an unbiased jury. Which means there is at least one person on there who was in a coma for the last 10 years. And I bet that guy is losing his mind today.”
jordan klepper
“[Stormy Daniels] testified that she spanked Trump with a rolled-up magazine that had his face on the cover. And I think it’s weird that the hotel even had a copy of Bankruptcy Aficionado.”
Seth Meyers
“Oh that poor poor magazine. Hasn’t print media suffered enough?”
jordan klepper
“When [Daniels] raised her right hand, Trump instinctively shouted, ‘I’m a bad boy, mommy!'”
jimmy kimmel
[On Trump explaining that he and his wife have separate bedrooms] “‘Yes, were having trouble falling asleep in the same bed because she snores and I bang porn stars.'”
stephen colbert
You know what, I think that’s more than enough, because at some point, you know, we’re just piling on. The man was our President, you know what I mean? Who among us hasn’t slept with an adult film star, and then tried to cover it up, and then become President. And yet we look down our noses at him, I don’t think so. Shame on us. Shame on me. [Pause] Adult film star Stormy Daniels testified that she and Trump had sex in missionary position. ‘Don’t even think about it!,’ shouted Judge Merchan to the sketch artist.”
seth meyers
A Starry Interlude
Look, there are a lot more “Trump beds a porn star and commits felonies to cover it up” jokes to come, so here’s an intermission about Monday’s Met Gala.
“It’s the magical night when the world’s most fashionable cultural icons try to figure out how the f**k they’re going to fit their spiky headdress into an Uber pool.”
jordan klepper
‘Last night’s theme was The Garden of Time, based on a 1962 short story about elites living in a utopia of leisure, art, and beauty while an encroaching and chaotic mob draws nearer ever hour. A little on the nose, guys. I’m guessing next year’s theme is gonna be, Ah! They’ve Breached the Doors! Quick, Hide Behind the Chagall!”
stephen colbert
[On singer Tyla’s show-stopping gown] “Okay, a dress made of sand is super-impressive. ‘Who are you wearing?’ ‘Coney Island.'”
jordan klepper
Back Into the Stormy
[On Trump using an appearance on The Apprentice to seal the deal] “So, Trump isn’t just a bad lover who thinks that talking about his daughter is an acceptable form of foreplay. He’s a creep who dangles career advancement over women to get them to have sex with him. Because lord knows they’re not in it for the two minutes of thrusting.”
jordan klepper
[After Trump assured Daniels that he’d make sure she wasn’t fired from the show early] “The guy who complains everything is rigged offered to rig his stupid show.”
jimmy kimmel
“Who would have thought a man found liable for sexual assault would coerce a woman into sex. I mean honestly, you can’t even trust sex offenders these days.”
jordan klepper
“[Stormy Daniels] said that in phone calls after the sexual encounter with Trump in 2006, he would always call her ‘honeybunch.’ ‘Honeybunch.’ And you guys think Biden is too old.”
seth meyers
[On Trump’s insistence of having unprotected sex] “Trump was like, ‘The hush money was supposed to be my protection.'”
jimmy fallon
“He also stared directly into an eclipse. Not exactly a ‘safety first’ kind of guy.”
jimmy kimmel
[On Daniels describing the ‘jump scare’ of seeing a half-naked Trump upon emerging from the bathroom] “It’s all in the new horror movie, Saw: Donald Trump’s Penis.”
stephen colbert
[On Trump watching Daniels’ testimony on the court monitor rather than looking at her] “It was odd, especially when he was looking at the monitor, he tried to fast forward to the sex scenes.”
jimmy kimmel
[On the rejected call for a mistrial from Trump’s team over claims Daniels’ testimony would “inflame the jury”] “And it is dangerous to inflame that this jury. Do you know how much gas Trump has released into that courtroom?”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“The Biden campaign released a new ad today criticizing President Trump’s immigration record that highlights his family separation policy. In Trump’s defense, he just assumed people wanted to be separated from their family.”
seth meyers
[After a Chinese zoo was busted passing off painted dogs as panda bears] “Of course theres a simple explanation. The dogs are in a Kristi Noem protection program.”
stephen colbert
[On Russian President Vladimir Putin’s reelection] “Putin sailed to victory after his opponent dropped out… of a window.”
seth meyers
“Today is Teacher Appreciation Day. And I want all the teachers out there to party so hard that tomorrow becomes Substitute Teacher Appreciation Day.”
jimmy fallon
“Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill into law last week that bans lab-grown meat. Oh, lab grown meat, that’s what he looks like.”
seth meyers
[On Senator Bernie Sanders running for a fourth term at age 82] “Bernie’s the only Senator who’s lived through diss tracks between Drake and Kendrick and Mozart and Beethoven.”
jimmy fallon
“A grocery store in Texas recently set a Guinness world record by showcasing more than 300 thousand avocados in a single display. Even more incredible, not one of them was the perfect amount of ripe.”
seth meyers
“Disney said that Marvel will release no more than three movies a year and will start focusing on ‘quality.’ In response, everyone who spent the last few years making Marvel movies said, ‘Thanks?'”
jimmy fallon
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