Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Another Banner Day
A jaded nation rediscovered its capacity for shock last week when a photo surfaced of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito flying an upside-down American flag in the days after the January 6 insurrection. That a SCOTUS judge would strip away all veneer of impartiality concerning an armed attack on the very foundations of American democracy by publicly signaling his support for those storming the Capitol Building to prop up defeated Republican ringleader Donald Trump was enough to make even centrists catch their breath. At least before immediately accepting Alito’s nonsense excuse that his wife did it because the neighbors were mean. But at least that was just a one-time treasonous thing from a guy who joined his right-wing SCOTUS colleagues in slow-walking a decision on Trump’s beyond-ridiculous “I have total immunity for everything” defense in various criminal cases related to his insurrection, right? Right?
Well, word came out on Thursday that Alito also flew the so-called “Appeal to Heaven” flag at his vacation home, with gobsmacked newsreaders explaining that the flag in question is not only a favorite rooting rag for January 6 insurrectionists and white supremacist thugs like the Proud Boys, but is also an overtly symbolic appeal for the United States to succumb to white Christian nationalism. And while Alito hasn’t even bothered to reveal which family member he plans to blame this time, this week’s depleted roster of late-night hosts said that enough was enough. As Michael Kosta put it in exasperation, “Look, I’m not an expert, but I always thought that a judge was supposed to be impartial and neutral. And I’m not naive, I know that he’s not. But can he at least respect us enough to pretend to be? It’s not like he’s a judge on American Idol, he’s a Supreme Court judge. But he’s stunting on us like a soccer player popping his jersey after a goal. ‘I killed Roe v. Wade, bitches!'”
“Usually we expect this esteemed body to sit above partisan pettiness while it issues rulings that let corporations sell my organs for profit. But last week an unfortunate issue sullied that image.”
michael kosta
“That’s right, a second flag at a second home. Alito’s second wife better watch her back.”
stephen colbert
“Yeah, Mrs. Alito’s fault… I feel you, Sammy, you know? My wife’s always squabbling with the neighbors, too. I mean, her squabbles don’t usually end with her raising the flag of insurrection against the United States, but…”
michael kosta
[On Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson also flying the Appeal to Heaven flag outside his congressional office] “When asked about it, Johnson said, ‘It’s George Washington’s flag, it has nothing to do with stop the steal.’ Yes it does. When a forgotten symbol is brought back and widely coopted, you don’t get to use it in the old way. If a guy named Brandon says, ‘Actually, this swastika above my bed is referring to the ancient Sanskrit symbol for good luck,’ he’s a Nazi, Cheryl—get out of there!”
stephen colbert
“What the hell, man, another flag? Did this guy get a two-for-one deal at the MAGA flag store?”
michael kosta
“Besides, Mike Johnson is a political figure. It’s one thing if he wants to fly the team flag. Sam Alito keeps saying that everyone on the Supreme Court is unbiased and non-political. I mean there’s nothing wrong if Aaron Judge wears a Yankees jersey. But it’s different if the umpire does it.”
stephen colbert
“The good news is that the Supreme Court has a code of ethics. Now, the bad news is they wrote that code of ethics and they don’t follow it. So I guess there is no good news and the bad news is even worse.”
Michael kosta
Not-So-Picky Haley
There were a few months there where it seemed like former South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley might be the one remaining GOP candidate to refuse to fall in line to kiss Donald Trump’s traitorous backside. After all, Haley, despite leeching up to 25 percent of votes in Republican primaries from Trump even after withdrawing from the presidential race, had spent her time in front of various crowds calling Trump everything from “unhinged,” to “diminished,” to “disgusting,” and even stated that the twice-impeached former President should be ineligible for a library card, never mind the Oval Office for a second term.
Oh, and then there were Trump’s nasty and predictable attacks on Haley during the race, including spreading racist “birther” rumors against her and mocking her Indian birth name, because Trump is super-classy. He also suggested to his guffawing followers that Haley’s active-duty military husband was only deployed in Africa to get away from her. Because, again, Donald Trump is a classy guy. Well, despite stating again and again to her supporters—many of whom chose her as an alternative to Trump’s incessant classiness—that she would never vote for Donald Trump after dropping out… Haley announced her support for Donald Trump yesterday.
“What the hell, Nikki? What happened to that Margaret Thatcher quote about never following the crowd? Is there another Margaret Thatcher quote where she said, ‘You know what, who gives a sh*t, just follow the crowd, whatever?'”
michael kosta
“She folded like a paper plate on chili night.”
stephen colbert
“And it’s not the hypocrisy that annoys me here. Every loser ends up supporting their party’s nominee. But Haley made this whole big show about withholding her support, and then she gave it up for nothing. She’d be the worst kidnapper ever. ‘If you wanna see you child, send me one million dollars in unmarked bills… You know what, forget it, I’ll drop him off at 5.'”
michael kosta
[On Trump contemptuously refusing to court Haley voters even now] “To Trump, Haley voters are like vegetables. He’s gotten this far without ‘em, why worry about them now?”
michael kosta
“Enjoy being ambassador to those islands where the nuclear bombs get tested, Nikki!”
michael kosta
The Bong Supremacy
It was revealed yesterday that, for the first time, daily use of marijuana has surpassed that of alcohol in these United States.
“Of course, the rising popularity of weed is a good reminder to the beer industry that they got lazy. They thought they could just sit back and relax while Tommy Chong bought every goddamn ad on Twitter, you know? Congrats, beer companies. You lost to that well known super-ambitious, type A, hard working go-getter, Tommy Chong.”
michael kosta
“Some may be surprised by this, but as a New Yorker I am not. I smoke weed every single day whether I want to or not on the sidewalk literally everywhere I go.”
stephen colbert
“Thats right, daily pot smokers are beating daily alcohol drinkers in the race to see who can escape their sad lives more quickly.”
michael kosta
“Now remember, this is daily or near-daily use. ‘Cause in overall numbers, alcohol is still more widely used. So congratulations, weekend binge drinkers, you still have the biggest problem.”
stephen colbert
“But in some ways it makes sense. Edibles are just more efficient than booze. I mean, have you ever tried to get a trick or treater drunk? It’s almost impossible.”
michael kosta
“This news has alcohol makers worried. They’ve changed their standard disclaimer from ‘drink responsibly’ to ‘please drink.'”
stephen colbert
Potpourri
“Of course, fleet week kicked off yesterday here in New York City with the parade of ships, and it ends Tuesday when all the bartenders wave a white flag.”
jimmy fallon
[On the busy travel period that is Memorial Day weekend] “Okay, so I forget, is it laptops in, shoes off? Laptops out, shoes on? Just to be safe I’m gonna put my laptop in my shoes.”
stephen colbert
“Today a new airline for dogs called Bark Air took its first flight from New York to L.A. The flights take a little longer because the plane has to do three circles before it lands.”
jimmy fallon
[On the Trump aide tasked with printing out instant copies of flattering articles for Trump to read outside his trial] “When she really needs his attention, she prints those on a slice of baloney.”
stephen colbert
[On that whole “Trump posts a campaign ad calling for a “unified reich” thing] “‘Unified reich’ is the most fascist presidential ad since Dwight Eisenhower’s ‘I Like Reich.'”
stephen colbert
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