Thurs Night Monologues: Hypocrisy, Desperation, and the GOP

Missed Thursday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.

Principles Are for Off-Years

The comedic fallout from this week’s widely derided Arizona Supreme Court ruling that an 1864 abortion ban can go into effect continued to pelt election-obsessed Republicans on Thursday. With formerly staunch anti-choice GOP politicians ducking and running from the near-universal scorn and anger resulting from such a draconian law reaching all the way back to before women could vote to deprive 2024 women of their bodily autonomy, late-night hosts remained in full dog-pile mode, playing readily available old clips of GOP hopefuls’ past fire-and-brimstone anti-abortion messaging alongside their current, voter-courting “Well, actually…” hypocrisy.

The Daily Show‘s Michael Kosta, playing one such past clip of Arizona Senate candidate and infamous election denier Kari Lake rhapsodizing over the 1864-derived law by its extended bill name (ARS 13-3603), noted, “I’m pretty sure if you find Kari Lake’s iPhone, you’d be able to unlock it.”

[After the Arizona GOP blocked a vote to repeal the 1864 law] “That’s weird. You guys say you don’t want an insane abortion ban, but then you voted to keep it. It’s almost like you’re just totally full of sh*t.”
michael kosta

“Wow, Kari Lake didn’t just support this bill, she knew its bill number by heart. ‘I believe it’s, uh, ARS 13-3603?’ She said that like when a guy tries to play it cool about how much he’s into Dune, y’know? ‘Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of that movie… I believe that’s the one where Paul Atreides wields the power of the Bene Gesserit to fulfill the prophecy of the Lisan al Gaib?’”
michael kosta

“President Biden condemned the decision. He said he wasn’t in favor of this law when they passed it back in 1864 and he’s not a fan of it now.”
jimmy kimmel

[On Donald Trump’s previous statement that abortion should be left up to the states] “Like, you know how sometimes the speed limit is 45 miles per hour then down the road it’s 35 miles and hour? Well, that’s how human rights are gonna go now.”
michael kosta

“If Arizona women are gonna be forced to live under this law from 1864, then all of Arizona’s lawmakers should be forced to get their healthcare from 1864 standards, too. Yeah—you’ve got back pain? Put some leeches on it. Migraine? More leeches. Feeling depressed? You can see a therapist. Your therapist… is a leech.”
michael kosta

Stormy Ahoy!

After Donald Trump’s most recent desperate attempt to delay his criminal trial for falsifying business records (a felony) was rejected earlier this week, it actually looks as if at least this one of the former President’s many, many civil and criminal trials will go on as planned on Monday. In case anyone out there has just awoken from a coma, the trial stems from allegations that then-candidate Trump jiggered his already shady finances to cover up a $130 thousand hush money payment to adult film actress Stormy Daniels and another to Playboy model Karen McDougal to cover up affairs during the 2016 election, with Trump’s only recourse now being to continue his social media rants against the presiding judge and his family.

The astronomical legal costs of all this maneuvering are mounting up to a reported $100 million and counting, all while Trump’s Truth Social public offering continues to plummet on Wall Street. Combining two major stories of the day, Jimmy Fallon noted, “Trump is trying everything. He even requested a delay so he could mourn the death of O.J.”

“Former President Trump posted on Truth Social yesterday that, during his criminal hush money trial next week, he’ll be ‘forced to sit gagged before a highly conflicted and corrupt judge whose hatred of me has no bounds.’ [Picture of Melania and Trump looking very unhappy] So, you know, just like dinner.”
seth meyers

“He does this in every trial—to gum up the mechanism he keeps challenging and challenging. And it works. All his trials are now behind schedule and most won’t take place until after the election, if at all. Which, I don’t know, sounds like quite a lot of due process for a witch hunt to me.”
jimmy kimmel

[On Trump’s legal bills] “$230 thousand a day! For comparison’s sake, you could get a pristine, 1967 Chevy Corvette with original transmission and teal blue interior for roughly the same price. Which is perfect, because that’s Joe Biden’s favorite car… Every day that Trump drops that much money on lawyers, he should have to hear Joe Biden say the words, ‘Vroom-vroom, motherf**ker.'”
seth meyers

“The porn star hush money trial starts Monday. All his many last-minute efforts to delay it have failed. His only move left is to have sex with everyone in the courtroom and pay them $130 thousand to keep their mouth shut.”
jimmy kimmel

[After a Fox News reporter referred to a particular Trump frozen treat] “What in God’s name is a Mar-a-Lago milkshake? That sounds like something Trump would try to cover up by paying hush money to a porn star.”
seth meyers

“Trump has to make his speech about [election] integrity tomorrow, because starting Monday he’ll be in court for cheating on his wife with a porn star shortly after Melania gave birth to their son.”
jimmy kimmel

Potpourri

“The CDC is urging doctors across the country about fake Botox injections. You can tell you got a fake injection if it comes in flavors like Major Melon and Baja Blast.”
jimmy fallon

“At Mar-a-Lago tomorrow, Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson will hold a joint press conference on election integrity… [house drummer plays rim shot] That is not a joke.”
jimmy kimmel

“Yesterday, [the Biden campaign] launched a new program to engage voters in the LGBTQ+ community. It’s called Out for Biden/Harris, which is a clunky title, but definitely better than their original slogan, which was, “I’m a Joemosexual.”
jimmy kimmel

“New York City health officials are warning residents to stay away from wildlife after bird flu was detected in some Manhattan parks. Right now every hot dog cart vendor is like, ‘Now what do we serve?'”
jimmy fallon

“Ted [Cruz]’s Super Pac is called Truth in Courage, which is rich coming from the guy who fled to Cancun during a snowstorm and blamed it on his daughter.”
jimmy kimmel

“A former Republican lawmaker claimed that congressman Matt Gaetz, “used to walk around the cloakroom showing people porno of him and his latest girlfriend.’ Gross, who calls it ‘porno?'”
seth meyers

“Ron DeSantis as you know spent the better part of a year trashing Trump, and now he wants to raise money for him. There’s actually a very good reason why—he’s a little bitch.”
jimmy kimmel

“Donald Trump visited a Chick-fil-A restaurant in Atlanta yesterday and praised the restaurant for being closed on Sundays, calling it “The Lord’s chicken.” Which is also what he used to call Mike Pence.”
seth meyers

[Responding to Fox contributor Mark Simone opining that “it’s not the worst thing in the world” for women from states with abortion bans to travel out of state for medical care] “What the hell is wrong with you guys? It’s not the worst thing in the world to take a bus to another state? It’s also not the worst thing in the world to let women have rights.”
michael kosta

“Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani’s ex-interpreter has been charged with allegedly stealing over $16 million from Ohtani in a gambling scheme. Or, as the interpreter told Ohtani, “They’re saying I’m innocent.”
jimmy fallon