Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Dark Brandon Rides Into the Light
Well, that happened. After weeks of incessant badgering by the press and certain members of his own party (not to mention some celebrity Democrats and late-night hosts), President Joe Biden announced that he would not seek reelection on Sunday. It was a shock even to those who’d been perhaps less than enthusiastic about the prospect of an 81-year-old Biden enduring the rigors of an increasingly heated campaign season with the literal fate of American democracy on the line. After all, there are—checks calendar with no small trepidation—now a mere 105 days until Election Day. That’s when we find out whether white America will choose the comforting bigotry and glib, sundowning hucksterism of a convicted felon, twice-impeached insurrectionist, and adjudicated rapist who’s promised to become America’s first dictator—or literally anybody else.
For late-night hosts, Biden’s decision represents a case of “be careful what you wish for,” as several of the most highly regarded hosts (Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers, Jon Stewart) had crept right up to the line of calling for Biden to do what he’s now done—and received no small amount of blowback. Especially since there isn’t a late-night host (outside of whatever Fox News is doing) who clearly doesn’t harbor genuine admiration for the man. So now, with a ticking clock and a thoroughly reprehensible and ridiculous Republican candidate bafflingly holding strong in the polls, America’s future as a viable democracy appears to be in the hands of Vice President Kamala Harris, who not only got Joe Biden’s enthusiastic blessing in his admirably classy farewell statement, but who’s already been racking up massive donations and big name endorsements to be the one to kick Donald Trump into the unwashed dustbin of history where he belongs.
Colbert, being the lone host on duty tonight with a consistent voice in political comedy (Jimmy Fallon was on, too, for what that’s worth, while actor Lamorne Morris subbed for the vacationing Jimmy Kimmel), was looked to by many to set the tone after such a tumultuous and unsettling weekend. All along, Colbert has ably mined the gap between sincere admiration of Joe Biden as person and President and the undeniable truth that the guy had a truly troubling debate that underscored the risks of having Democracy reside in the hands of an increasingly fragile octogenarian. Retiring the aviator sunglasses which were his nod toward a Biden impression over the years, Colbert also claimed to be repurposing his binder of “Biden is old” jokes as “Trump is old” material going forward. (“When he was a kid, his phone number was 8,” he cracked, trying on the new material.)
Celebrating the considerable accomplishments of President Biden in cleaning up the disease-ridden, money-hemorrhaging, bigot-emboldening chaos of Trump’s presidency with inventiveness and honor was more than enough for Colbert to seat those sunglasses right beside his replica Captain America shield on the Late Show set. Praising Kamala Harris and expressing renewed vigor and hope for America’s future in the wake of President Biden’s selfless choice, Colbert yet spent much of his Monday monologue expressing gratitude to a good man who did an impossible job more or less splendidly. (Right up until relentless mockery and pressure from so many—including, it must be said, Colbert himself—made a Biden second term untenable.) “You don’t see that every day,” Colbert stated unequivocally concerning Biden’s decision to leave. “Courage, grace, humility, true patriotism. I will tell you one thing—that guy would make a great President.”
“Biden is now getting credit for guiding us through the pandemic, creating millions of jobs, rebuilding our nation’s crumbling infrastructure, and eliminating billions in student loans. Democrats heard that and were like, ‘Hey, this guy should run for President.'”
jimmy fallon
“I believe he has been a great President. He steered this country out of a horrific pandemic, he saved countless lives by encouraging people to get vaccinated, he brought the economy back, he rallied our allies, he reasserted America’s place in the world stage. And, most inspiring of all, at no time was he Donald Trump.”
stephen colbert
“It is a historic move. Typically on Sundays, everybody thinks about quitting their job, but Biden is the first person to actually go through with it.”
jimmy fallon
[On the mutual respect between Biden and Kamala Harris following his announcement] “What is this strange feeling? It’s like my blood is flowing again. For the first time in months I don’t want to build a little pillow fort and crawl in there with a hoagie and a tub of frosting.”
stephen colbert
“You know what’s weird? I now have accepted more nominations this year than Joe Biden.”
jimmy kimmel Live guest host and Emmy nominee Lamorne Morris
“Following the big news, Biden supporters gathered outside the White House to thank him for dropping out of the race. Biden’s not quite sure how to feel. I mean, ‘Thanks for leaving”s not really a compliment, you know?”
jimmy fallon
[On Biden’s farewell debuting via a statement of Trump mega-donor Elon Musk’s social media site] “It’d be like Greta Thunberg announcing her latest climate proposal on Gas Station TV.”
stephen colbert
“Yesterday, President Biden decided to drop out of the race. Well, he didn’t drop out so much as he just, like, wandered off.”
lamorne morris
“For all you cynical people out there who are like. ‘Oh, I don’t pay attention to politics ‘cause I know what’s gonna happen, I’ve seen it all before.’ No you don’t and no you haven’t. The presidential debate was on June 27, less than a month ago. Since then, there’s been an assassination attempt, a cult convention, and the debut of Matt Gaetz’s new face.”
stephen colbert
“You know what’d be nice? If we could have one weekend in July where our political world isn’t thrown into chaos.”
jimmy fallon
“Growing up, we all had textbooks with names like American History Volume 1, 1492-1877. Future generations will spend whole semesters on The First Half of July 2024.”
stephen colbert
Then There’s This F-ing Guy
After such a selfless and gracious exit and the equally respectful admiration shown by President Biden’s supporters and colleagues alike, it was time for Donald Trump to weigh in. [Pause to allow readers to imagine how that went. You are correct.] Calling Biden “the worst President in the history of our country” (presumably because Joe Biden never directed his supporters to violently storm and smear feces all over the halls of government after he didn’t get his way), Trump was… Trump. The disgraced but somehow viable Republican nominee also demanded that the GOP get its money back from running against Biden, again presumably so the lifelong fraudster can continue to siphon the RNC’s funds to pay for his many ongoing legal defenses. Stay classy, oldest presidential nominee in history.
“Glad that ‘unify the country’ thing lasted a good eight seconds.”
jimmy fallon
[Trump also accused President Biden of faking his Covid diagnosis, for some reason] “Really? Trump thinks Biden never had Covid? You don’t pretend to have Covid to get out of running for President. You pretend to have Covid to get out of going to your cousin’s destination wedding. ‘I’m not going back to Pomona!'”
lamorn morris
“Trump is very worried, because Kamala is a lawyer. I mean, he’s only lost to Joe Biden once, but he loses to lawyers once a week.”
lamorne morris
Wolf Blitzed
Take comfort that you’re not the only one who was blindsided by President Biden’s announcement. Veteran CNN newsman Wolf Blitzer posted an innocent Sunday selfie of him sitting down to enjoy a nice, boozy brunch at a D.C. restaurant (which serves a cocktail called the “Wolf Spritzer”) when he was peremptorily summoned back to his place of work to report on one of the most momentous political stories of his career. And while the Wolf-man did look a mite red-rimmed on-air, there’s no real proof Blitzer was doing his job hammered on morning brunch fuel.” Honestly, who could blame him though?
“He’s like, [slurring words] ‘Breaking news: I like you guys. You guys are my best friend.'”
jimmy fallon
“‘I’m Wolf Blitzer and this is the Tipsulation Room. Earlier today, it was five o’clock somewhere and we got the following report: I love you and Im fine to drive.'”
stephen colbert
[On Blitzer being called in to do live TV] “That’s called a Wolf Oh Shitzer.”
lamorne morris
Potpourri
[On his Fargo Emmy nomination] “Let this be a lesson to all you fellow actors out there. Up and coming actors who truly want to make it in this business, here’s what you gotta do. You’ve got to play a character in North Dakota, right. A place with zero Black people. And then they’ll have no choice but to notice your talented Black ass.”
lamorne morris
“The world is still recovering from a Microsoft update glitch that caused the largest IT outage in history. Because of the outage, thousands of Delta flights were cancelled. Meanwhile Southwest was like, ‘Good thing we don’t own any computers.'”
jimmy fallon
“Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘With so much crazy stuff, so much madness going on in the news right now, thank God the guy from the BMO commercials is here to make sense of it.”
lamorne morris
“A Florida sheriff’s office is warning residents to stop taking selfies with a bear that is clearly not in the mood for pictures. Although if they just let the problem continue, it will eventually fix itself.”
jimmy fallon
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