Missed Monday’s late-night monologues? We’ve got you covered with our round-up of the night’s best laughs from across the dial.
Justice Is Swerved
With today’s news that the long-awaited financial reckoning for self-proclaimed billionaire and presidential candidate Donald Trump would fizzle out thanks to a New York appeals court’s decision to lower Trump’s outstanding bond in his civil fraud case from $464 million to a still-formidable $175 million, late-night hosts coped with disappointment in the only way they knew how. Deprived of the eagerly awaited spectacle of New York Attorney General Letitia James seizing Trump’s properties for non-payment on Monday, hosts at least got to watch as Trump arrived in the city for his other legal entanglement, as he faces 34 felony counts of falsifying business documents to cover up his affair with adult film actress Stormy Daniels during the 2016 presidential campaign.
With so much material to choose from, it was odd to see parallel thinking strike, however, as both Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers compared Trump’s recent brag that he had the full cash amount of his original bond on hand (despite his lawyers insisting that he didn’t) to another guy who temporarily escaped justice. Meyers joked, “Dude, they’re trying to help you. That’s like if O.J. tweeted , ‘The glove fits!’ Meanwhile, Colbert went to the same comedy well with the almost identical, “That’s like if O.J. tried to put on the glove and said, ‘This doesn’t fit, but I do love stabbing. Stab, stab, stabbity stab.'”
“My fellow Americans, today was supposed to be a special day. A day that Donald Trump either had to fork over 464 million dollars for a bond in his New York fraud case or Attorney General Letitia James was going to grab him by the property.”
Stephen colbert
“That’s right, we sat all week in breathless anticipation to see if Trump had 454 million dollars in his wallet. Or would Trump Tower be turned over to New York City, perhaps to ease our terrible housing crunch. Or more likely do what they always do—another s***ty Walgreens.”
jon stewart
“So he doesn’t have the cash, aha! Caught you now. He’s not a real rich guy, he just plays one on TV. Donald Trump has a billion dollars the same way Patrick Stewart has a spaceship.”
Stephen colbert
“It’s the first time anyone’s ever heard, ‘Good news! You only owe 175 million dollars!”
jimmy fallon
“Every time it seems like consequences of any kind are closing in, he gets away with it. Who let this guy wish for more wishes? Especially after how racist he was to the genie?”
stephen colbert
[In response to Trump supporter and Shark Tank regular Kevin O’Leary claiming all real estate magnates do exactly what Trump is being punished for] “‘There is a theory in law that if enough people commit a crime, it automatically becomes legal. You’re familiar with The Purge, are you not?'”
jon stewart
“You know what, let’s take a step back. What did Trump actually do to earn this penalty? Well, it turns out that, for a decade, whenever Trump wanted to get a loan or make a deal, he’d he’d illegally inflate the value of his real estate. For instance, suggesting that his 11 thousand square foot penthouse was a 30 thousand square foot penthouse. We all do it. I mean on my drivers license, I’m not listed as 5′ 7″, I’m listed at 30 thousand square feet.”
jon stewart
[On rich Trump supporters begging on TV for other rich people to pay off Trump’s bond] “This is the worst ASPCA commercial I have ever seen.”
seth meyers
[On the unsuccessful nature of said begging] “No s**t. You have a better chance getting your money back from a shredder.”
seth meyers
[On Trump not ruling out accepting foreign money to pay his bond] “‘I don’t know, I mean you could. I don’t know, but Russia, if you’re listening, maybe you know if it’s legal. Could you write the answer down on 500 million pieces of paper and have it , Put-in my account?.”
stephen colbert
“And the Attorney General of New York knew that Trump’s property values were inflated because, when it came time to pay taxes, Trump undervalued the very same properties. It’s all part of a very sophisticated real estate practice known as lying.”
jon stewart
“The pundits are saying the courts handed Trump a lifeline. Well that makes sense. By law you have to throw someone a lifeline when they look so much like a waterlogged corpse.”
stephen colbert
Hush Hush, Keep It Down Now
It wasn’t all “You only owe $175 million” news for Donald Trump on Monday, as the judge in his criminal trial overruled defense objections that proceedings should be delayed (preferably until after the November election). Setting a trial date of April 15, Judge Juan M. Merchan scoffed at Trump’s lawyers’ motion to have the trial put off or even thrown out entirely, leading to some serious late-night scoffing as well.
” I have to admit, Donald Trump has done the impossible. He’s made April 15 a day to celebrate.”
stephen colbert
“The judge picked April 15 because its Tax Day and he knew Trump wouldn’t be busy.”
jimmy fallon
[On Trump claiming he’d only be more popular if he were convicted] “So, the guiltier he is, the more the crowd loves him? It’s never a great sign when your press conference answers could just as easily be cackled by the Joker.”
stephen colbert
[After announcing that the Powerball jackpot has reached $1.2 billion] “Playing the lottery is very fun though. It’s days of buildup and then it’s over in a few seconds. Anyway, Trump’s Stormy Daniels trial is in the news…”
jimmy fallon
Boeing, Boeing, Gone
After months of stories and harrowing footage of disastrous issues with Boeing-manufactured airliners, heads finally rolled this week, with Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun stepping down over problems with Boeing’s 737 Max planes. Late-night comics, knowing a good air travel joke when they see one, were quick to leap onboard. Metaphorically speaking.
“Today the CEO of Boeing stepped down. Either that or they never installed the bolts that keep him in the boardroom.”
stephen colbert
“Boeing announced today that three of its senior executives are stepping down. Or to put in Boeing terms, they were sucked out.”
seth meyers
“I’m sorry, but there is no way to avoid Boeing airplanes. Even if you’re just walking down the street.”
stephen colbert
“Boeing announced that its CEO is stepping down. Well, don’t let the blown-out door hit you on the way out.”
jimmy fallon
“Yes the service, just like some of their planes, was tireless.”
stephen colbert
FORE-closure!
Donald Trump took time out from smearing immigrants and appearing in court to post self-congratulations on social media for supposedly winning several golf tournaments at his own golf club. No footage was available for wither win, although late-night hosts should take no notice of Trump’s long and documented history of cheating at his favorite game. Not. At. All.
“Wow, he won both! You know what that means. Somebody else won both.”
stephen colbert
“That’s right, woke libs! You think Donald Trump’s a loser? Well would a loser brag about… winning a tournament… at his own course?”
jon stewart
“After winning, he was honored to receive a congratulatory phone call from himself.”
jimmy fallon
Potpourri
“Now, the Sweet Sixteen round of NCAA’s March Madness basketball tournament is set to begin… [a picture of under-investigation for underage sex trafficking Rep. Matt Gaetz pops up]… Hey, you get outta here! It’s a different sweet sixteen!”
seth meyers
[On Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Green moving to oust House Speaker Mike Johnson for striking a bipartisan budget deal] “She’s attacking him for doing his job. It’s like writing a review for your wedding photographer reading, ‘Zero stars. That pervert took pics of me and my wife kissing!'”
stephen colbert
“West Virginia approved a bill that allows people to distill up to five gallons of moonshine. West Virginia said it’s a great way for meth dealers to diversify their portfolio.”
jimmy fallon
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